Entry For December 18,2005

Entry for December 18, 2005
Gosh it has been a few days since I wrote, I thought I might have wrote one more entry but i guess not. Well I had tried to go home on Thursday but they would not release me because I ended up getting another high fever wed night 101.7 so they said I could have still been infected. I was so bummed but I stayed.Hospital totaly was a bummer because I was on tons of antbiotics still,my IV started to hurt really bad, got some fluid in my tissue so they had to restart another one, then on top of that I had to get blood drawn 2 times in the day super early in the morning. blughhhhhhhAnyway got to go home on Friday, was nice. Left hospital, went to target to get a couple things I needed then picked up Dillon from school, I had not seen him for 5 long days so when I saw him I totaly started to cry and could not stop, I missed him so much and on top of my emotions it was not a pretty site. Got home and I just layed kind of low.Saturday, got up went to go see Caitlin then me and Jesus went to mi casa's resturaunt ate, ran home got my pump and went to his sisters house and were there for a bit for her birthday, can't believe all the running around we did yesterday.Today well today has been ok. Dillon had a small little play at his school today he was a shepard and had a very funny moment. First he was chweing gum and when they were up front he spotted me and said here mommie, I don't want it (about the gum) then he went back over to his spot and pushed another kid behind him, teachers fixed him, Dillon started crying and then just had a pout on his face it was to funny. So after that we went to church, I got so emotinal there, we had the pastor pray with us so that was nice. I am just having such a hard time today all I want to do is cry cry and cry some more.I am really starting to feel the loss of Madilyn and scared for Cailtin. I miss them so much in my tummie, it just was to early I want them back in there!!! I Miss Madilyn so much, so much!!!And Caitlin she is so small, I have a good feeling she is going to make it but we have such a long road ahead of us and so many downs and up's I am just so scared,angry,sad just overwhelmed, I feel so empty inside and i do not know how to get me back, I guess it will just take time but man can't I just fast foward.I know god has a reason for everything but it is hard to sometimes except that. I know I am not expected to be ok with it and I so am trying to be ok with it but it just hurts so bad. I just wish so bad they could both be here. I know God needed another Angel and Madilyn is Caitlin's angel. It still just hurts so bad. Well as far as Caitlin's condition she is doing so awesome for everything she has gone through and being so small. She has been stable for the most part. Yesterday she had to have her first blood transfusion because they have been testing her blood alot that they needed to put some back in, she is so small and she can not regenerate her own blood quite yet so she was getting anemic.Her oxigen level is at a 28% which is super great considering some babies have to have 100% so she is such a trooper!!!! Today was her first feed of mommies milk!!! She had 1cc and if she keeps doing good she will get it every 8 hours.Luckly I showed up just in time because the nurse was just getting her ready for her feed. She gets it through a tube, it goes through her mouth into her stomach and then there goes 1cc. she is on blood pressure meds still because her pressure goes high so she is on all sorts of medicines. She is still on antibiotics because I had an infection so to make sure she did not get it also, I think they will take her off in a couple days. Hopefully she stays nice and healthy. Well thats about it for now. Will try and write tomorrow. Tomorrow will be Dillon's first day to see Caitlin, we will see how that goes. It should be very interesting.